


Solitary Flights and Second Chances

by pherryt



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Confessions, M/M, Major Tom, Pining, Science Fiction, Second Chances, Sick!Dean, astronaut!dean, estranged cas and Dean, happy/hopeful ending, hurt!Dean, sabatoge, some homophobic language and behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 22:06:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14602725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pherryt/pseuds/pherryt
Summary: All Dean's life, all he wanted was to go into space. He's sacrificed a lot on the way to that dream. Now he has it and he realizes... he sacrificed too much. Way too much.Sabatoge, injury and an aborted trip are a strange way to get back the things he lost... that most precious thing of all... but if he can salvage something good from all this, he'll take it. he just needs to get back home alive, first.





	Solitary Flights and Second Chances

**Author's Note:**

> I'm participating in the [Supernatural Hits challenge](https://supernaturalhits.tumblr.com/) \- i signed up for a single and the song given to me was David Bowie's Space Oddity. Which, for perfectly understandable reasons i'm sure, is forever so intrinsically tied to Major Tom by Peter Schilling that when working on this story, BOTH songs came into play.
> 
> this was supposed to be short. it is not, of course. because when do i ever do things by halves?
> 
> I am not very sciencey. i tried to do research both on the injuries and on space flights etc. i'm assuming that if we've advanced enough that they can pilot a space shuttle to a normal landing rather than crashing a pod into the ocean, then other things are possible (like aborting a mission without having to slingshot an orbit around the moon)

It was somewhat ironic that Dean Winchester was here in this moment.

Mr. “I’m afraid to get in a plane” was orbiting the Earth in a tin can… not only by choice, but also by career.

Cas and Sam made fun of him for it all the time. Well, sam did more often than Cas ever had. Cas didn’t even talk to him anymore.

Cas.

God… the way Dean had left things between them was a sour pit in his stomach, a stain on the wonder spread before him. He stared out of the nearest port, taking in the sight of the Earth. It was beautiful.

So blue.

Like Cas’s eyes.

Dean swallowed against a lump. He’d spent over half his life to get out here and now that he was… he wasn’t too sure it was worth all the sacrifices he’d made.

Especially one in particular.

Cas had wanted to marry him and Dean…

Dean had said no.

Not because he didn’t want to, but because he’d been so goddamn stupid. And scared as hell. If he’d come out before this flight, the chances of losing his dream, of all that he’d worked for for so long, had been so very high!

Technically, there wasn’t supposed to be any sort of discrimination in an agency such as this but, while that might look good on paper, reality was something different. And Zachariah had been looking for an excuse to can Dean from the program for years. He had, in fact, been instrumental in keeping Dean from going up on any of the previous missions he’d been considered for. He was absolutely positive.

Of course he couldn’t prove it.

This… this had been Dean’s last chance. Cas had to understand that, right?

Falling in love with Cas had never been in the cards. They’d met, five years ago. Through work, of course. Cas working for the same space agency as Dean did but in the control room. He was on the Brainiac side of things, Dean had joked more than once.

Cas hadn’t approved.

_“You’re smart too, Dean. Don’t sell yourself short, like you always do. You couldn’t be in this program if you weren’t…”_

Dean snorted at the memory. Cas had oversold him again. He’d had too much faith in Dean while Dean hadn’t had enough.

Dean should have said yes when Cas asked two years ago. Should have taken the leap and simply talked to Cas about waiting just a little while longer before making them official and public.

But he hadn’t wanted to make Cas wait, hadn’t thought it fair. He’d been sure it would make Cas feel like he was being dangled along. Dean loved him too much for that, loved him too much to make him wait for who knew how long it might take for dean to achieve his dream.

What if he never did?

_“Dean.” Cas cupped his jaw and tilted his head. “You’ll do it. You’ll reach space, I promise you.”_

_“You **can’t** promise that, Cas,” Dean protested. He closed his eyes against what he was about to do, relishing in Cas’s touch for what was probably the last time. Taking a deep breath, Dean reached up to take Cas’s hand in his and pulled it away from his face._

_He missed its warmth instantly._

_“I’ve wanted this, dreamed of this, my entire life. I’ve refused to let my own phobias hold me back – I can’t stop now! If I don’t do this Cas, I’ll – “ Dean’s voice cracked and choked, unable to continue._

_It wasn’t fair that he should give up on thing he loved to be able to keep the other._

_He was unaware of the tears that fell down his face till Cas reached out and wiped them away._

_“Oh, Dean,” he said softly, sadness suffusing his words._

_It was a terrible choice._

_“I wish I’d never met you, Cas,” Dean whispered, turning away from the stricken look on Cas’s face._

That look has haunted him for the last two years.

Now here he was, in space, finally. He’d achieved his dream. He should be happy as hell. But all he felt was hollow.

He hadn’t felt right since he’d walked away from Cas. But there was no turning back from that. He’d well and truly burnt that bridge.

They didn’t talk. They didn’t hang out. They were barely civil when they had to work together. Cas was simply another voice on the other end of his headset – but only when there were no other options. And when he was, there was no inflections, no small talk. Cas’s voice was flat as he delivered course corrections and readouts.

Still, the very few times he got the chance to hear Cas’s voice, Dean clung to it.

Static sounded and that very voice echoed through the shuttle.

“Ground Control to Major Tom.”

Dean smirked. He still couldn’t believe they’d let Charlie name the shuttle after a pair of songs. And trust Cas had no idea what it was referencing. His was the only voice that didn’t sound like it was about to crack up every time they addressed Dean officially.

“Yo! What’s up, Cas?” Dean answered, his heart skipping a beat. Or maybe speeding up. He wasn’t too sure. He tried to control himself. He knew medical might grow concerned at his readouts otherwise.

“Ground Control to Major Tom, please keep it professional, Mr. Winchester.” Cas’s voice was flat and cold at the same time and Dean sighed. He had no idea how Cas had perfected that, but it’s meaning was clear as a bell.

Cas was the _only_ one down there who insisted on all the formality.

“Fine. What’s the matter, Ground?”

Exasperation colored Cas’s tone the next time he spoke and Dean chalked it up as a win. “We’re reading possible instrumentation error. There appears to be an irregularity with one of the regulators. Can you check it out?”

“Yeah, where am I looking?”

After a few back and forths, Dean had floated to where he needed to be. He tapped the readout glass but the needle was right where it was supposed to be. “I dunno, man. Everything looks normal up here.” Something niggled at him and Dean frowned at the readout before looking down at the console and pressed a few buttons.

The needle didn’t move.

“Uh, Ground, I think the needles stuck. I’m gonna take the plate off and attempt a repair.”

“Be careful and give us a step by step of what you’re doing.”

“What’s the point of that? You guys got cameras watchin’ me,” Dean protested. He worked quickly, unscrewing the plate.

“Protocol, Winchester. Humor us.”

“Fine,” Dean grumbled. Inwardly, he was amused. Despite his protests towards formality, Cas hadn’t brought up Dean’s lack of it and was even slacking off himself. It almost felt like old times.

Except for the part where Cas hated his guts now. Dean deserved that, though. He’d just have to deal with it.

Dean’s amused mood, already slipping with those thoughts, disappeared completely as soon as the panel was removed. He stared for a long moment before clearing his throat. “Uh, Ground, you seein’ what I’m seein’?”

The radio remained silent, but Dean knew the control center was probably in an uproar. He stared at the clearly cut line, at the empty socket it led to. Something had been forcibly removed from the panel. How critical was it? _Fuck._

How fucked was he?

“Ground, please advise?”

Static echoed over the radio but before anyone could speak, an explosion rocked the shuttle, throwing Dean back, his head slamming with way too much force into the closest wall.

Then everything went black.

 

* * *

 

“Dean!” Cas shouted. His voice was lost among many as the entire control center erupted in panic.

Alarms blared through multiple instrument panels and Bobby Singer shouted, his voice easily cutting over the din. “Status reports? What’s the damage? Have we lost anything critical? How’re Dean’s vitals looking? Did the explosion alter his trajectory? I need information!”

Bobby strode through the room as he spoke. “Worst case scenarios – somebody work out what we need to do to bring him home faster. For his safety, we may have to cancel the moon, folks.”

The camera on the main screen showed only smoke, and Dean wasn’t responding on the radio but Ellen Harvelle turned to Singer. “Deans alive. Unconscious most likely. Heart rhythm’s a little off but after something like that, I bet anyone’s would be.”

Cas wanted to slump in his seat, close his eyes and sigh with relief. Instead, he worked with Charlie to check what systems were still responding to Ground Controls pings. They murmured back and forth but Cas kept his ear trained for more information, his heart in his throat.

God, Dean was up there all alone, probably injured.

Dean could die up there…

_Oh god…_

Singer stopped in front of his station. “What do we got?”

“Camera’s 3 and 4 are not responding. And at the angles we’ve got left, I can’t train anything on Dean from here,” Charlie spoked first. “Visuals not currently available other than…” She flapped a hand over at the multitude of screens. Two were black, several others were filled with smoke and the rest held nothing of interest except to show intact consoles.

There was no sight of Dean.

“Most of the systems seem to be in working order, sir. Our monitors show the automatic suppression system _was_ engaged and we show no significant loss of oxygen since the initial burst. Looks like we got lucky, now all we need is…” Cas trailed off, his fingers skipping and stuttering to a halt. He swallowed and forced himself to continue, unable to look up at Bobby. “Is Dean to wake up.”

A hand clapped his shoulder. “Don’t worry, son. Dean’s a stubborn ass. We’ll have him back down here, safe and sound in no time.”

Cas nodded and Bobby turned away, barking out, “Ash!”

“Yeah, course correction will be needed. The sooner the better. But he’s in no danger yet. Well, aside from…” Ash shrugged. His nonchalant attitude made Cas grit his teeth.

Static sounded over the speaker suddenly and the room quieted in an instant. A groan was heard and Cas held his breath, leaning forward in his seat. It seemed the entire room was doing the same.

“Ground…” Dean coughed. “How we lookin’?”

A cheer went up through the room, even as Bobby leaned in towards a mic. “We seen worse, boy. How you feelin’?”

“Like shit. Could use some aspirin. My head’s _killing_ me. Nothing seems to be broken though, so that’s good.” Dean reported, his voice getting stronger with each word. Something moved on screen five and Cas squinted as he realized it was Dean’s hand attempting to clear away the smoke. “Don’t think the vents are working though. This stuff isn’t going away.”

“Dean, do us a favor and check your course for us, will ya?” Bobby asked.

“Good,” Charlie leaned over to whisper at Cas. “That’ll get Dean in view of a camera so we can lay eyes on him, see what kind of condition he’s in.”

Cas nodded. Everyone in the room was thinking the same thing. Even as they worked, all of them kept glancing at the wall displays, waiting for when Dean appeared in view. Soon enough, their waiting was rewarded by the floating figure of Dean making its way past first one camera, then another before settling into the pilots chair and buckling in.

“Good to see ya, Dean,” Bobby said simply.

Dean leaned awkwardly over to stare into the camera and squinted, before smiling. “Same here, old man.”

Before long, Dean and Ash were embroiled in a conversation about the corrections needed for his flight path, but Cas noted a frown and a look of concern on Ellen’s face. She stood up and made her way over to Bobby, who still stood close enough to Cas and Charlie that they could both here her.

“He’s not looking too good,” Ellen said softly. Cas and Charlie made sure to look busy – hell, they _were_ busy, checking and double checking each and every system, painstakingly, one by one, trying to pinpoint anything that might cause Dean trouble getting home – but they stayed quiet, ears perked as they worked. “Can’t exactly tell some things without a hands on, but I’m damn sure that boy’s got a concussion and his blood pressure’s dropped much lower than I like. Either that connection is loose, or he’s losing blood somewhere.”

“Cuts on his head?”

“Nah, he already took care of all the visible cuts. Some of them will need proper stitchin’ once we get him back on the ground but while they mighta bled a lot to begin with, it ain’t the current cause of blood loss.”

“God, I hope it ain’t internal,” Bobby breathed.

Cas almost _stopped_ breathing.

“I think we need to consider that it might. The blast was small, but focused. Maybe he broke a rib without realizing. He might think it’s only cracked, but if it’s broken… Coulda poked something,” Ellen pointed out.

“If he’s bleeding internally, he might not make it back in time for us to help,” Bobby grunted, rubbing a hand over his face and through his beard. “Jesus. Well, we definitely don’t wanna panic anybody, least of all him. Let’s operate on the assumption that’s what it is and see if we can get him home any faster. In the meantime, I’ll pray it’s just more equipment malfunction. In this case, I’m definitely rooting for it.”

To be honest, so was Cas.

Ellen returned to her station just as Ash and Dean finished working out the calculations needed to fix his trajectory.

“Think you can handle that, Deano?” Ash called out.

“Shit, yeah. This is a walk in the park,” Dean answered.

“Hey, Dean, this is Ellen,” Ellen leaned in to her mic.

Smiling weakly, Dean nodded. “Hey, Ellen. What’s up?”

“So, we think you might have a concussion, so these next few hours are going to be critical. We can’t let you fall asleep, so we’re gonna have someone talking to you at all times, okay?” she asked.

“Yeah?” Dean blinked at the camera slowly. “Okay, that makes sense.”

Cas didn’t like the ashy look that had suddenly come over Dean’s face.

“Now, I know we got all your obvious injuries, but we need to make sure we didn’t miss anything. Have you checked your suit for any tears? Remember, Dean, you won’t see blood pooling and with all the other blood you’ve already lost for your head injuries floating around, well…”

“I won’t notice if more joins it?” he asked tentatively.

“Exactly.”

Dean unbuckled himself and – being careful not to dislodge any of the body monitors, started stripping off his suit, completely uncaring of the audience he might have.

If it had been any other time, if Dean’s life wasn’t at risk, Cas would have admired the view. Instead, he watched with an eagle eye, straining to see an injury. A bruise, a cut, whatever could be the cause of Ellen’s worry.

It felt strange to be relieved when they all caught sight of the long gash along Dean’s side, but it was good to know that internal bleeding might have been taken off the top of the list. Under Ellen’s direction – mostly being used to make sure Dean was awake, since he knew well enough what to do – Dean took care to close the gash. After a few minutes, while Dean struggled to get his suit back on, Ellen’s shoulders relaxed and she gave Bobby a thumbs up.

As soon as that was done, it was back to business. Ash and Dean had a series of maneuvers, tiny shifts at the right moments to get things back on track without overcompensating, and it took all their attention for the next hour.

Afterwards, everyone in the control room took turns chatting with Dean and keeping him entertained enough to stay awake. The feeling in the room was high spirited. As emergencies went, this hadn’t gone so badly.

But Dean was definitely getting tired and he began to lose all filters, the words slurring together some, becoming more and more noticeable as time went on. It was taking its toll on Dean and not for the first time did Cas wonder why this had been a one-man trip. Surely it would have been better for Dean if there had been at least one other person there?

Much as he wanted to, Cas tried to refuse when Bobby signaled it was his turn. Dean and Cas had barely talked outside of an official capacity since that fateful day 2 years ago.

Bobby glared and jabbed a finger at the mic.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas said softly. He swallowed so many words he wanted to say, knowing that everyone could hear every word, that it was all being recorded and archived.

"Hey, hey! I did it, Cas! You see me?” Dean waved frantically at the camera before pointing out through a porthole at the stars. “I finally did it. I achieved my dream and dumb ol’ Zach can’t take that away from me anymore. The only thing that could have made it better, was if you’d been by my side the whole time. I’m so sorry I was an idiot."

Cas froze. Of all the things he’d expected Dean to say, that – none of that – had been it.

“Yes, I do see, Dean. I’m… very proud of you.” Cas said. His head whirled around the last things Dean said, but before he could even attempt to figure out what to say in response, Bobby had turned to his second, Zachariah Adler, as the entire room quieted once more.

“What did he mean by that?” Bobby’s voice was deceptively low, and yet everyone heard it.

“Nothing. The man’s obviously delirious.” Adler waved off the question.

Cas slowly stood up. “No.”

Adler glared at Cas. “You shut your mouth and sit back down. He’s not talking to you.”

“Mr. Singer,” Cas nearly growled. “In light of the evidence Dean - I mean, Mister Winchester - recently uncovered, I cannot, in good conscience,  _not_ speak up. Mister Winchester has long since held the belief that Mr. Adler has been deliberately sabotaging the chances of certain candidates within the program, based on homophobic and even misogynistic things Mr. Adler has been heard to spout. As if gender or sexual orientation has anything to do with intelligence or skill of the person under consideration.”

Bobby scowled and looked from Adler to Cas. “Why wasn’t anything said to me?”

“Because there was nothing to prove at the time. But I have been compiling data for the last few years, ever since D – Mr. Winchester made his fears known to me.” Cas said evenly. Zachariah’s face was growing pale. “I would have spoken up sooner, but even I never entertained the belief that Mr. Adler might harm someone or put a vital program in danger.”

“Mr. Adler, I want you off the premises. Consider yourself under suspension, pending a full investigation of your actions, the accusations being leveled against you and the current incident, as well as whatever else might come to light along the way.” Bobby’s voice was hard.

Zachariah spluttered as a security guard approached him to escort him off the premises. Pointing at Cas, he spit out, “If anyone was responsible, it was him! Novak  _hates_ Winchester!”

“Jesus, what soap opera has _he_ been watching?” Charlie muttered to Benny, who sat on the other side of her.

Benny rumbled back. “Obviously not the same one _we’ve_ been subjected to.”

“Cas? Cas, are you there? What’s going on?”

Cas immediately turned back to the mic. “I’m sorry, Dean. Uh, you might be pleased to know that Mr. Adler is being escorted off the premises.”

“Fucking finally.”

“Language,” Cas chided, but he couldn’t help the small twitch of a smile that hit him at Dean’s words. If he was honest, he felt the same damn way.

“I couldn’t care less about my language.” Dean suddenly perked up. “Hey! Am I on TV?”

“Not that I’m aware of?” Cas blinked at the question.

“Does Sammy know what’s going on?”

“I… I don’t know, Dean,” Cas said slowly. “I think we’ve all been rather pre-occupied with making sure you were all right. I don’t even know who makes that call, or when.”

“I know you hate me now, but… could you do me a favor and call him? Make sure he knows there’s nothing to worry about?” Dean asked, his big green eyes taking up half of screen one, he’d leaned that far forward.

Cas looked up at the pleading eyes and gulped. He nodded then closed his eyes and mentally cursed himself. The only camera trained in the control room was _not_ on Cas’s station. Dean couldn’t see Cas. “Yes, of course Dean. And Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

“I don’t hate you. I’ve never hated you. In fact I – _“ I never stopped loving you_. Cas swallowed the words again. This was not the time, nor the place. “Um… why don’t we talk when you get back?”

“Yeah, I think I’d like that.”

After a few more moments, Cas’s turn passed on to Charlie and he sighed. He looked over at Bobby and noticed that Dean’s uncle was alone for the moment. Standing up, Cas approached Bobby. Before he could open his mouth, Bobby spotted him coming.

“How are _you_ holding up, Cas?”

“As well as can be expected. Dean asked me to call Sam…?” Cas raised his eyebrows, not sure of the protocol here. Did he have the right to call Sam? What was being made public and what wasn’t?

“Already done. He’s on his way right now.”

 

* * *

 

Hours had passed, course corrections had been made, Sam had arrived and Ellen’s worries over Dean’s possible concussion had eased. Dean had even taken some short naps and the tension in the control room was back to acceptable levels.

Twelve hours later, Ash instructed Dean on a few more corrections. After inputting them, Dean frowned.

“Ground, are we aborting my trip?”

“Whattya think?” Bobby groused into the mic. Letting go of the button, he muttered, “ _Idjit_.” Half the room snorted.

“But everything’s fine!” Dean protested. Cas frowned at the spot of sweat that floated away from Dean’s face. He looked towards Ellen in time to see her shake her head at Bobby.

Cas blinked and his heart stuttered.

What the hell was going on _now_? And why hadn’t anyone _said_ something? He quickly glanced at Sam who was perched in a chair between him and Charlie and noticed that Sam had also taken note of the interaction between Ellen and Bobby. Cas looked back at the displays to see Dean jerking on the collar of his suit.

“Hey, I think somethings wrong with the temperature gauge – not that that’s _any_ reason to call off the trip! - but could you confirm?” Dean asked.

Charlie shook her head when Bobby glanced back at her. “Uh boss? Whattya want me to tell him?”

Bobby sighed. “Just tell him.”

“That’s a negative, Major Tom. All systems show nominal here.” Charlie said.

“I think your monitors are off, Charles,” Dean growled. “It’s friggin’ _hot_ in here.”

That didn’t sound good. That sounded like a fever. And Dean was all _alone_ up there. Cas stood up abruptly, startling Charlie and Sam, and hurried over to Ellen’s station.

“Ellen, please, tell me what’s going on – what’s wrong with Dean?” Cas hissed as soon as he got within range.

She shook her head sadly at him. “Oh sweetie. It appears Dean’s running a fever. Most likely, he’s somehow caught an infection from one of his injuries. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“Which makes it all the more imperative to get him home,” Cas noted.

“He won’t even reach the moon,” Ellen said softly. “Bobby hated to make the call. He knows how hard Dean worked to get here, the things he sacrificed…” she placed a hand on Cas’s shoulder. “But if we don’t bring him home now… I don’t think he’ll make it.”

“But you think he _will_ make it?” Cas asked desperately.

“Dean’s too stubborn not to,” was all she said.

Forced to be satisfied with that, Cas returned to his station. He sat with his head bowed briefly, sending up a small prayer.

The next little while was torture. Knowing that Dean was not only hurt, but now sick and only getting sicker, all alone up there… God, Cas wished he was beside him. Wished Dean had never gone up. The longer he was up there, the more out of it Dean seemed to get, wavering between perfectly lucid and, well, not lucid.

He floated about the ship, fiddling with things to keep himself busy, no matter how much anyone begged him not to. What if he messed with the wrong thing in one of his less lucid moments? It could be disastrous! Especially as some of the cameras were down, they were unable to keep an eye on every exact movement he made.

Dean’s voice rang through the speakers, warbling shakily on a tune Cas had never heard of but was quick to realize was the source of everyone’s amusement over the name of the shuttle as Dean sang the same two songs over and over again.

Cas quickly grew tired of them.

But at least they were proof that Dean was still there, still alive and functioning.

Mostly.

With a sigh, Cas got up to go to the water cooler. He was filling that stupid triangular shaped paper cup for the second time when Ellen shouted. “I’ve lost Dean! I’ve lost his vitals!”

It was only then that Cas registered that the singing had stopped.

He whirled on the spot to find the same empty camera views from before and he gasped, trying to draw in a breath. The paper cup slipped through suddenly nerveless fingers and Cas fell to his knees, shuddering and heaving.

“No, no, no, no, no, no…” his words choked off in a sob.

Arms wrapped about him as he clutched at his hair, unwilling to take his eyes off the display, silently begging Dean to pop back into view, wishing that the singing would start back up again, even if it was repetitive. He’d take it. He’d take anything, any clue that Dean was still alive. Across the room, someone was shouting, trying to get a response from Dean.

More arms grabbed ahold of him and dragged him up from the floor. He didn’t resist, didn’t have the will to, until he noticed they were escorting him out of the room. Away from his life line to Dean. He struggled, unwilling to lose his last link to Dean, to knowing if he was alive or dead.

“No! I’m staying!” he shouted hoarsely.

A voice – no, several voices - argued with him, saying all the things he knew intellectually but didn’t give one shit for now. He couldn’t leave. They couldn’t make him. He had to stay here, for Dean.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice groaned. “Cas, man, I miss ya. Where are you?”

Cas nearly sobbed with relief. Beside him, he heard Sam do exactly that.

Oh, that must have been who’d held him when he collapsed.

“I’m here! I’m here, Dean!” he called out, lunging for his mic. “I’m here, Dean. How are you feeling?”

“Mmmmm… I’m so fuckin’ hot, man… hey, you remember that time we took a cruise in the Caribbean. That was hot too but in, uh, _very_ different ways.”

“Dean, Ellen said she lost your vitals. What happened?”

“Ummm…” Dean’s voice trailed off and he started to hum. “Hey, you know something, Earth is like, really, really blue. Blue is my favorite color. You know why blue is my favorite color right?”

“Dean!” Cas called out sharply, trying to get Dean’s attention again. If he was already this out of it, how the hell was he going to _land_?’

“Hmm…. what’s that? Hey! It’s Cas! God, I can’t wait to get back to Earth. I made a huuuuuge mistake man. And I need to fix it. If you let me. Please say you’ll let me?” Without waiting for an answer, Dean started singing again. “Earth below us, drifting falling, floating weightless – hey Cas, you ever been weightless? It’s the neatest thing! And heeeeere am I floating round my tin can… far above the moooooon...”

Dean’s voice drifted off, little snatches of humming from two very different tunes clashing with each other – moments ago they’d been annoying, now they were the most beautiful thing Cas had ever heard.

“But I’m not going to the moon… Guess Zach won after all…” Dean’s voice broke and sniffled. Everyone exchanged worried glances throughout the room. Cas’s eyes pricked with tears, a hand clutched to his chest. What he wouldn’t do to just _be_ there for Dean. To hold him, comfort him.

Even better, if Dean were here, back on Earth, safe and sound.

“Hey Dean, this is Ellen. Could you come back over to a monitor? I want to check up on your wounds, okay?”

To everyone’s surprise, Dean began to cry. “Cas! Where’s Cas? I want Cas…”

It took a long time of Cas talking with Dean to get him to calm down, or to put his monitors back on, but one thing became abundantly clear.

There was no taking Cas out of the room. Anytime Dean didn’t hear Cas’s voice for what he deemed too long, he’d break down. It was devastating to hear and it was all Cas could do to keep himself strong for Dean’s sake.

Dean eventually made it back to the pilots’ chair after much coaxing. Even after a few hours of lost visual, Cas – nor anyone else, he suspected - hadn’t expect how awful Dean looked. Pale and sweating. He fumbled about as he turned to the camera, presenting each and every one of his wounds for inspection.

It was the long gash that had done it. The one that had been left untreated for longer than the others. Cas heard more than one person cursing under their breath at the sight of it. With a helpless look, Ellen walked him through another treatment of the wound. They knew it would do no good, but it would maybe make Dean feel better.

It wasn’t making Cas feel any better. He wanted to throw up.

They finally persuaded Dean to reattach the equipment Ellen needed to monitor him. It was done haphazardly, but the information started coming through right away.

“Jesus, he’s burning up…” she whispered.

Cas slumped at his station, holding his head in his hands.

 

* * *

 

Dean didn’t feel all that great and time was doing weird things. He bumped against a wall as he floated about. He kinda liked that about space, actually. Had he told Cas that?

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

He smiled when he heard Cas’s voice. These past few… hours? Days? … had been made all the easier for its presence. The flat tone had been replaced by the music in Cas’s voice that he had missed.

“Have you ever just floated?”

“Only in Gabriel’s pool,” Cas answered. “Though I hear it’s rather like space in some respects.”

Dean smile. “Yeah, sort of. They do use it during training simulations, sometimes.”

“Ash to Dean, it’s time for more course corrections.”

“Dude…” Dean complained, pushing back towards the pilot’s seat. “Didn’t we just do one? How many more of these we gotta do? Aren’t we supposed to, y’know, set it and forget it?”

He pulled himself down and buckled himself in before he could float off again. He stared blearily at the controls and readouts in front of him as Ash’s voice droned through the shuttle.

He rubbed at his eyes.

“I… I can’t..” he reached his hands forwards hesitantly and pulled back. The controls were swimming and blurring, doubling and blending again. “I’m a little dizzy…” he swallowed against the bile rising in his throat. “Fuck… I’m not gonna make it home, am I?”

“You’ll make it home, son, I promise,” Bobby’s voice came over the speakers next.

Dean shook his head. “Don’t… You can’t promise that old man…” Dean took a long, shuddering breath, cradling his head in his hands. His head was hot to his own touch. That wasn’t good. None of this was good. Where was Cas? “I’m not gonna make it,” Dean whispered. “Oh god, Bobby, where’s Cas? You gotta tell him – tell him I’m sorry, how much I love him. I’m sorry I’m such an idiot.”

“You can tell him yourself, Dean.” Bobby insisted.

“But he’s not here,” Dean blinked and shook his head, his eyes closing though he fought them. He forced his eyes open but the light in the cockpit hurt and he closed them again. Just for a minute. Just to rest them.

 

* * *

 

Dean felt like his body wasn’t the only thing floating. His brain was all floaty too. Lightheaded - no, was that the lack of gravity or something else? Something buzzed in his ear and he swatted before realizing that no, it wasn’t in his ear. There was sound surrounding him, which was odd, because the shuttle was normally a very quiet place except for the sounds  _he_ made.

What was that?

“Dean, please answer me!” Cas sounded worried. Why was he worried?”

“I’m sorry, Cas,” Dean murmured. What he wouldn’t give to have the real Cas beside him. To hear his gravelly tones without a million miles between them, without the strange, tinny quality the radios gave it.

Instead of the real Cas, he got the voice on the radio, the dream inside his head. It’d been such a beautiful dream too, a dream of their future, a dream that was long gone. It was still reassuring in its way and Dean clung to it.

But now reality was pushing its way back in. The dream was fading away. He was losing Cas all over again!

“I was such an idiot. I should have said yes. I’ve always regretted pushing you away. When I found out I got this mission, I dreamed of coming back and proposing to you, to fix my mistakes and make you happy again. Thought about asking you before, y’know, but I thought… it’d be more romantic this way. And now…” Dean choked. “Now I’ll never get the chance. I ruined us. I was so selfish – “

“No, Dean, it wasn’t selfish to pursue your dream. It would have been selfish of me to force you to abandon it. I’d only wished you had the faith in yourself, in us, to believe we could make it work.”

“But you hated me, Cas,” Dean shook his head and the pain that lanced through him woke him up a little more, enough to realize that he was no longer asleep but actually talking to Cas, the real Cas, despite how far away he was.

“I’ve never hated you. I was heartbroken and angry, but I never have and never will hate you.” Cas’s voice was sincere.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better about dying,” Dean grumbled. His head was pounding so hard.

“Dammit Dean! You’re not dying! Not if a room full of the smartest people in the world have anything to say about it!” Cas shouted.

The angry shout made Dean open his eyes. “You can’t lie to me, Cas. I’m a goner. There’s no way I can pilot the shuttle in to a safe landing.”

“That’s just it, Dean.” A new voice broke in, with a southern drawl. Oh yeah, that was Benny. “You don’t have to. Don’t you remember? Part of the reason for your solo mission was to test to the emergency remote piloting controls. It wasn’t meant to be used for landing, but it’s what we’ve got.”

Dean frowned. There was something wrong with that logic but he was having trouble making the leap to piece it together. “But… if that’s true…” he said slowly, trying to force his brain to reboot, “Why haven’t you been using it already? Why all the course corrections?”

“We couldn’t before,” Bobby’s voice broke in. “Something damaged the receiver and you were too far away to reach. But that’s changed now, we’ve managed to get into the system again. We just did your last course correction. It worked.”

“So, I don’t have to do anything?” Dean whispered, new hope filling him.

“Not this time, boy. Don’t worry, we’ve got ya.” Bobby said gruffly.

“I told you, Dean. You’re coming home,” Cas’s voice again. “I’m waiting for you.”

Dean wanted to cry in relief. He wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t.

Eventually, despite the efforts of everyone on the ground, Dean slipped back under and into painless dreams.

 

* * *

 

Cas watched Dean helplessly. He’d passed out over an hour ago, rousing only briefly a few times, murmuring nonsense. The fever had gotten pretty high and he was much sleep deprived.

It probably wasn’t the best idea for him to be sleeping during re-entry, but there was nothing to be done. At least they’d managed to get him pinned down properly in his chair so he wouldn’t be rattling around in the shuttle.

Or worse.

At the speeds Dean was going… Cas shoved the thought away. Benny was a damn fine pilot, in the air or not, and the remote system was  _his_ baby. Nobody knew it better.

They only hoped it was enough.

Benny was piloting now, being fed trajectory from Ash while Charlie and Cas’s replacement kept an eye on their equipment and Ellen on Dean’s vitals.

Bobby had told Cas in no uncertain terms that he didn’t want him on the instrumentation, not as upset as he was. Thankfully, nobody tried to eject Cas or Sam this time.

This was it. The final leg of this horror show.

Despite all their assurances to Dean, Cas couldn’t help the dread that pooled through him. He held a hand over his mouth and watched wide eyed as the action went on around him. Sam sat beside him, their shoulders touching, his eyes also glued to the display, though it was almost useless. It showed them nothing of what was going on, only that Dean was still there, still unconscious.

And even that kept fading. The screen juddering and shifting.

What if they lost the camera?

“I’m sorry, Sam. Thank you… thank you for staying with me,” Cas said softly.

“Sorry for what?” Sam looked at him, confused. “Dude… you’re practically family, no matter what happened between the two of you.”

“I know you’d want to meet Dean when he lands,” Cas answered. Lord knew _Cas_ wanted to but couldn’t. He couldn’t tear himself out of the control room, in case Dean woke and needed him. He couldn’t let himself be caught somewhere unreachable should Dean call out for him – especially if they wound up being his last moments.

No, he had to stop thinking like that.

Sam laughed, but there was no humor in it. “Not like they’d let me anywhere near him once he landed. First, they got all that protocol to handle, and then, I’m sure they’re just going to evac him to a hospital as soon as they reach him. We’ll meet him there. There’s no way they’d keep us out at that point.”

“They can’t keep _you_ out, Sam. Me, on the other hand…” Cas swallowed. He wasn’t anything to Dean. Not officially.

“I won’t let them. Neither will Bobby or Ellen. He’s gonna be okay, Cas,” Sam assured, the tone fervent.

“Thank you,” Cas murmured.

Their attention was called back to the screens – one a readout of Dean’s trajectory, another a view of Dean, still out. Benny’s voice was calling out status and mile markers – his voice cheerful.

Charlie leaned over to Sam and Cas, not taking her eyes off her screens. “We’re gonna make it!” she squealed quietly.

Cas’s breathing sped up in anticipation. The mood of the entire room had lightened the closer Dean got to landing.

“Touchdown. Major Tom has landed. Gentleman,” Benny looked up with a grin. “Time to send in the calvary.”

The room erupted into cheers, more jubilant than even the last time, but Bobby was already on his phone and walking towards Cas and Sam. Ellen was scrambling up from her station as well, and the four of them converged.

“Dean’s alive. He’s been picked up and being brought over to St. Lukes. I’ve got a car coming around to bring us over there right now. You boys ready?” Bobby asked gruffly, his eyes shining.

Sam and Cas both nodded. “What about you?” Cas asked.

“I gotta handle the rabble and clean up here. As soon as that’s taken care of, Ellen and I will meet you both down there,” Bobby answered. “Now go. Welcome our boy home.”

“With pleasure,” Cas breathed.

 

* * *

 

Dean woke up to even more sterile white walls, an incessant beeping, and a persistent feeling of weight. His mouth was dry and his head fuzzy but otherwise, he felt good, actually. He reached a hand up to his forehead even as he blinked his eyes open. It was much cooler to the touch then the last time he’d checked – whenever that had been.

He swiveled his head around to catch sight of several people crammed into the room. Bobby, Ellen and Sam he expected.

Cas was… was a welcome surprise.

All four of them were collapsed in slumber. Bobby was drooling on Ellen’s’ shoulder with Sam squeezed in beside them.

Dean looked at the dark head of hair currently laying on his blanket, the gorgeous blue eyes hidden from view behind closed eyelids. His other hand twitched, and that’s when he realized it was weighted down. He glanced down at it and felt his heart flutter at the sight of his hand held in Cas’s.

The beeping of the equipment beside him shifted speed and Dean felt his face redden. There’d be no way to hide his reaction to Cas as long as he was hooked up to these monitors.

He reached out to thread his fingers through Cas’s messy hair.

It had been so long since he’d last been able to do that.

The head shifted and the eyes blinked slowly. Awareness came to them slowly – waking up had never been Cas’s strong point – but when Cas realized that Dean was awake, his head shot up and his eyes widened.

“Dean!” he breathed.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean croaked, his hand falling away from Cas’s hair when he moved. He mourned the loss.

“I’m… I’m sorry, this is highly… inappropriate of me.” he pulled his hand back but Dean would have none of it, tightening his fingers as much as he could to keep Cas there. He knew it wasn’t much. He felt too weak to be able to hold Cas if Cas didn’t want it but… Cas’s eyes softened and he looked down at their combined hands with a soft, “oh,” and left his hand in Dean’s.

Dean wanted to sing out triumphantly but he didn’t have the energy.

“Cas, I know it’s my fault what happened between us, and this isn’t the triumphant return I imagined while doing this and… and I don’t know where my ring went, but, please say you’ll marry me?”

“Dean,” Cas choked.

“Or at least, give us a second chance – one with no more hiding. No more hiding who we are, no more hiding… us…” Dean begged.

“As much as I would love to say yes,” Cas started. Dean’s heart sank and tears pricked at his eyes. “I think the second chance, I think starting over, would be best.”

“Oh, oh thank god. You scared me there for a moment, Cas,” Dean breathed out.

“That was never my intention,” Cas said.

Dean tugged lightly on Cas’s hand. “C’mere. No, up here. I’m tired and I want you close… you can’t be very comfortable like that.”

“Not very, no,” Cas chuckled.

“Then get up here,” Dean insisted.

Cas eyed the bed critically. “All right, I think we can do this without aggravating anything.” He stood, kicking off his shoes before carefully climbing into the bed. Dean immediately curled into Cas’s arms and relaxed.

It didn’t take much longer before he was out again.

He’d been through a lot, but at least things were looking up now.

 

 

 

 


End file.
